John Carter - All He Has To Do Is Jump!

(2012) ★☆☆☆☆

‘John Carter’ tells how John Carter of Earth becomes John Carter of Mars. Who’s this guy? He’s sort of a Captain during the American Civil War. Since he’s tired of fighting for anyone, he’d rather turn himself into a fortune hunter. He discovers gold in a cave where he surprisingly comes across a magical medallion that sends him straight to Mars in a blink, where he gets himself involved in another Civil War. How convenient and boring!

The story is very much of a cliché. The characters are dull and unattractive. The setting is absolutely ridiculous. In the film, Earth and Mars are basically no different. They share the same atmosphere since John Carter has no trouble breathing on Mars. The gravity on Mars is lower than that on Earth, and John Carter’s ability to do giant leaps (his lethal weapon as well) proves it, but it doesn’t seem to affect how bullets fly there. Right, the Martians have guns. No idea why they still use such stupid weapons. Also, Mars seems quite hot actually since they’re in summer outfits all the time. Mars is further away from the Sun than Earth, but it’s as hot or a bit hotter maybe. How funny!

Flaws about this film are countless. Maybe it wishes to entertain us with those special effects that are in fact not impressive at all. Some actions are pretty silly indeed. We’re planning to explore Mars in the next 30 years. Maybe we don’t have to waste time and risk lives to get here. All we have to do is find that magical medallion in that cave of gold!